Modern day relationships are complicated enough without prancing over tons of superfluous set of societal “rules” governing it.
Looking beyond the imperfections, loving what you have, accepting what you receive and giving should be maxims we subscribe to; unfortunately, it’s always easier said than done.
• Jetison “ rules” about who should make the first move, how long to wait before calling or texting back and just let the conversation or relationship progress unstilted.
• Be blunt and proactive in approach.
• Be authentic and focus on your need(s)and or want(s).
• Zero-in on your goal(s) and work backward from there to achieve the desired results.
HYPOTHETICAL CASE EXAMPLE
During a big argument with a partner, take a minute to mentally go inside yourself and try answer; ‘What do I actually want here?’. Try to be simple and free of emotions in your real answer; ‘What do I want here? ‘ ANSWER; PEACE.
FORMULATE A TAILOR-MADE RELATIONSHIP
As much as you would wish to conform to tralatitious dating ‘rules’, an a la carte prototype is encouraged.
Pick the pieces you admire of the traditional that feel right and good and create a quintessential one that is versatile and grows.
FORGET THE RULES
Do not be enslaved to the dating culture which has become very convoluted with each passing day; ‘If he takes 3 hours to respond to my text, and my phone is in my hand when I get his reply, I have to wait to answer so I don’t seem too eager’.
Discard those ‘rules’ and avoid over analyzing it!
If you had a good time out on a date, let your partner be cognizant of that fact too!
The so-called ‘rules’ are a recipe for boomerang and so the natural –flow approach is a safer bet.
BE BLUNT AND PROACTIVE
Respect others enough to be candid with them; if someone makes you happy, let them know, if they inspire you, let them know too, in the same vein, if you are not interested in someone, please tell them and avoid ignoring them till they disappear: Grow up and stop being an ingrate leaving a partner with hanging unanswered texts and cryptic social media posts.
In a nutshell, stop treating any relationship like a jigsaw puzzle to complete or a challenge to overcome and state what you want and expect from the relationship; friendship, friendship with benefits and or long term relationship. Share expectations right off the bat to avoid embarrassing misunderstandings so that prospective partner(s) know the rule(s) of engagement.
STAY TRUE TO SELF VIA BALANCED AUTHENTICITY
In the process of being honest with others concerning your feelings, don’t get so lost in playing the maze game that you forget to extend that same courtesy to yourself. Focus on what makes you happy not what will mollify your peers or everyone around you: If they are not beating to your drum, go to your own drum, do your thing and find a match of your choice!
Quoting from Shakespeare’s (laughable yet tragic) Hamlet, uttered by character Polonius; this above all: To thine self-be true.
According to the research by Yi Nan Wang at Beijing University; people risk their relationship when their desire for agency ( a focus only on the self) is not in harmony with their desire for communion( focussing on others to the exclusion of self).
The theory further elucidates that you can’t follow your own pursuit of truth unless you recognize that other people have needs as well.
Wang developed a seventeen-item scale to assess “authenticity in relationships’ (A.I.R.S) which were tested on several Chinese adult subjects.
GOAL OF WANG LED STUDIES
To examine the relationship between A.I.R.S scores and measures of well -being based on the presupposition that the balanced authenticity she was testing would be co-related to higher levels of personal satisfaction.
The seventeen items were statistically narrowed down to three scales each with 3 items.
TASK IN WANG LED STUDIES
Answer the 9 items below and then check for the explanation behind each one of them.
RATE EACH ITEM FROM 1-5 OR FROM DISAGREE TO AGREE STRONGLY
1. I always hide my true thoughts for fear of others disapproval.
2. I usually try to cater to others.
3. I do not dare to tell others the truth due to caring for their feelings.
4. I am fully aware of when to insist on myself and when to compromise.
5. I always find ways to reconcile my need and other requirements.
6. I would neither give up the real me nor make others hard to accept.
7. I usually tell the truth without concern about how others will think of me.
8. I just speak my mind without taking care of others’ feelings.
9. I always offend people by speaking frankly.
EACH SET OF ITEMS CORRESPONDS TO ONE OF THREE TYPES OF AUTHENTICITY
1. Items 1-3: Represent distorted authenticity in which you give up your feelings for others.
2. Items 4-6: Balanced authenticity; ability to express yourself while taking the views and needs of others into account.
3. Items 7-9: Egocentric authenticity which is the tendency to place value on expressing yourself even though you may offend or hurt others.
Wang found out that balanced authenticity was the only scale to relate consistently in a positive direction with well-being.
Ambivert , sapiosexual with a sarcastic sense of humor, sports junkie, stick shift and car enthusiast.